Saturday, May 31, 2014

Getting into cooking more

 I'll be the first to admit I have take out food a little too often. More than a little too often! It's time to cook more.

 The doctor lectured me the other day about my weight. She's right that I need to lose major weight. My mother has also told me recently that she's concerned I could drop dead from a heart attack. I know. Sad, but I know.

 This all goes back to cooking. I don't cook enough. I know that. As kids, we honestly were not taught to cook. We helped, of course, but cooking went to Mom. I'm not blaming her, but it's a fact. It was Mom's kitchen and I can't clean worth a damn, so therefore I couldn't cook as much as I should have growing up.

 We also got McDonald's and went out to eat quite a bit growing up. I always had a weight problem and remember as a kid eating a whole plate of nachos at a local Mexican restaurant. You know, the ones meant for the whole table to share? :(

 I've obviously gotten into cooking more as I live on my own. Pinterest has been a blessing in that respect. I've actually made the Thanksgiving stuffing for a few years in a row. Not in Mom's kitchen. :) It gets rave reviews.

 The secret is to start doing this more and more. I know. One thing that I like about my health insurance is that they provide weight loss coaches free of charge. I've been working on planning my own meals. Figuring out grocery lists. Dang! It's work! Lol

 I think mastering healthy cooking will be a positive step in the right direction. Here's to it! 

Friday, May 23, 2014

Online dating....

 This feels like an advertisement. Lol.

 An acquaintance met his now fiance on a Web site called OkCupid.com and suggested it to me last year. He's a couple months younger than me and thought this site was the best out of all of them. In a sense, he was right. In another sense though, wow.... Here is my personal opinions and experience with the site:

 Online dating is an interesting thing. Generally, you have to pay to meet people that you normally wouldn't talk to walking down the street. OkCupid is free though. So you can talk to anyone you want. Yes, even the weird ones-for free! Lol.

 A friend was telling me I could write a separate blog alone about all the interesting men I've met through this site. Truly, I could. Fortunately though, I screen them out well enough that I never meet any killers or rapists in person. Praise the Lord....

 And how does the screening process work? Feast your eyes on it below:

 Step 1-I get contacted through the Web site. I've been contacted by men in Iran, New York, England, etc. I kid you not. Any man out of my general area gets ignored. Also, the Web site matches you based on questions answered. Any man who contacts me with a 10 percent match rate (which has happened!) also gets ignored. Any man who also sends weird sexual messages also gets ignored. Those also get blocked and reported to the Web site. If you also have a generally weird profile you get ignored too. You should see some of them! If you pass this step (lol), we move on to the next level:

Step 2-We chat through the Web site. If you don't ask me out immediately (I've had that happen) or creep me out in other ways, we move on to the next step, exchanging cell phone numbers and first names.

 Step 3-We talk! I've actually come to this step and met some seriously weird dudes. I had one guy tell me he was actually black (He looked Hispanic in his photos!) and wanted to know if I liked a certain anatomy of black men. I told him to never call me again and threatened him also. It worked. I also had another man tell me via chatting through the Web site that he was recently divorced. Come to find out once we talked on the phone that he was still legally married (but going through a divorce) and still living with the wife and kids. Imagine the big red X from Family Feud.... Yes, that's what I was thinking.... I also had another guy tell me he had a foot fetish. He loved dirty, smelly feet and wanted me to wear sandals when we met. Needless to say, we didn't meet! However, those men who haven't weirded me out get to move on to step 4. Actually meeting them in public!

Step 4-Meeting! I always tell a friend where I'm meeting this person just in case the person is nuts. Most of these guys I've simply had no chemistry with. That's all well and good. One still calls to say hi, but it hasn't gone any further.

 I've quit logging into the site for now since I have so many medical issues. Maybe, just maybe, a normal man will appear in my life once I stop looking....

Monday, May 19, 2014

Better?


 I know I've been bitching on here quite a bit lately about my struggles with depression, anxiety and way too many doctors appointments. This time I thought I'd do a positive post and talk about what has improved in my life since the first of the year and beginning counseling.

 WHAAAA???!!!

 Yes, something positive! Some good has come out of all of this and I want to talk about it in hopes of others hopefully seeing that you don't have to live forever in a state of depression.


  •  One of the things that has drastically improved is that I'm now making to-do lists almost daily of everything I need to accomplish. I think this is where medication has helped tremendously to get my brain functioning in the right direction. I began doing this probably a month after starting counseling and getting on medication. Granted, I don't get everything done on the list, but at least I make one up now daily. 

  • Another thing that I think is important is that I now see that I've been internalizing the behavior of others. I noticed that recently when a family member said something negative to me and I told myself that their opinions are just that, theirs, and are not my problem. 
 These are only two positive things, but important to put out there. See? I can be positive! :) 

Friday, May 16, 2014

Slobessa....

 The pet psychic was right. I'm a messy soul.

 I don't know why. I've pretty much always been somewhat disorganized. I think it was because I could be. Bless my mom's soul, but she's a perfectionist and never really had us contributing to the upkeep of the home. Yes, we were spoiled in a sense. A friend of my sister's mentioned that to me recently that she always felt that way about us.

 In fact, I remember my dad coming home from work one time and my mother was cleaning my sisters and my bathroom.

 "Um, the person who uses this bathroom is watching TV now," I remember my dad saying to my mom right then. "Why isn't she doing this?"

 "Because she won't do it right," Mom responded.

 Music to a teenager's ears, but not a good standard to set.

 I know I could blame Mom for all the woes in the world, but the fact is that I'm an adult now and am responsible for keeping things organized and neat. Why can't I just consistently keep things clean?

 I have no problem cleaning things. I can get them clean. The problem is keeping it that way. Am I just too ADHD to keep things clean? Is it an act of rebellion? (Lol. I don't know about that!) Do I like being a slob?

 I know it's practice. Habits get formed with practice and leave you when you form others. My to-do list has become an integral part of the majority of my days. I include cleaning with that. I don't know if that will become a habit, but it may have to.

 That is, until I can afford a housekeeper. That sounds so nice!  I can only imagine a housekeeper showing up here-my little one bedroom place-and thinking why on earth can't she keep 700 square feet clean. It's not Mom's responsibility anymore. It's mine.

 So anyway, it's time for me to quit blaming my cleaning woes on my mother and time for me to take action.

 Insert a big "harumph" right here.... 

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Tick, tick, tick....


Image credit: http://diyhealthblog.com/2012/10/digestive-cleanse/087_free-office-clock-vector-l/




I thought of lyrics here, but the image of a clock seems to be the best thing to use to illustrate my feelings. Time is passing. Life goes on. Passages occur. Memories are made. 

 This couldn't be more evident in the fact that two friends will become moms this year. One is already a mom through adoption and the other will be a mom in a matter of weeks. A zillion other acquaintances are also on the pregnancy bandwagon and have been for the past two years, it seems! Time is passing by and my uterus would like to join everyone. (A husband first would be nice though. :) ) 

 I seriously do believe I couldn't have handled parenthood before now. This is due to my depression and stresses that friends who read this blog know about. I've been plagued for awhile with stresses and issues that only now am I getting under control. I'm getting there though. 

 I guess I get mad at myself that I can now hear the clock ticking as it tells me I need to get on it if I want children. My mom hit menopause at 49, which is only a decade away for me. I would also need to hop on it if I want to adopt. My friend who adopted said the agency told them anyone our age seems old to birth parents.

Why have I not been at a place to have children before now? Why?? I can't dwell on that but can only move forward. Move forward as people ask me if I have any kids. My answer is honest. I always say, "No, unfortunately I don't. I'd love them though."

 I can only move forward and ask the Lord to bless me with children. I haven't asked before now.

 It'd be nice to be financially able to have them too. Maybe I need to get that under control first?

 And a husband too would help... :) 

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

The family that eats together....


 This scene comes from Mother's Day dinner. We are the family that loves to eat together!

 We got take out this year because my dad has congestive heart failure and has bathroom issues as a result. (Bathroom trips have to be quick!) His pills sit in the right hand corner of the photo. A reminder that life changes. We still eat, though!

 We got take out from a great seafood restaurant that will soon close. Take out has become the norm lately. From this restaurant to our favorite Mexican place, we know the area's restaurants and their take out menus. :)

 Our bonds come through food. I know it's not emotionally healthy. I can tell you many life memories with my family that have to do with restaurants though. From my grandpa insulting waiters and them rewarding his behavior with free desserts to sadder memories that I won't post, many of my life's memories come through food.

 And weight gain is the result of that.... 

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Ghost dawgs....

"Hey Ghost Dawg! Wanna come play with me?"

 I met a pet psychic while participating in an event last year with the rescue I volunteered with. I don't believe that stuff but walked by her booth last year with my foster dog. He gravitated towards her and she got me hook, line and sinker as he stared intently at her.

 "(The dog) says you have a lot of things in your bedroom," she said.

 HOLY CRUD! The dog ratted me out that I'm a slob! She's good! Lol....

 So, I listened to her for a bit as she asked if I had a black dog. Nope. A black dog was keeping him company while I was out, apparently. Okaaaaay......

 I mentioned this to a neighbor who has lived in my complex for ages. A black dog lived above my unit, she said. It didn't die here, but it certainly lived above me. Ghost Dawg?

 We both stood in amazement right then. Wow. We went on though and laughed. Maybe the foster and Ghost dawg could be friends. Hahahaha....

 Enter the dog above, Lucy. I babysat her for a few weeks around the time of my birthday and she constantly had this face as she looked up. She was seeing something! She constantly looked happy as she looked up. I knew she saw something. Ghost Dawg....

 Even though I've decided to not foster anymore, I had a Ghost Dawg episode last week. I woke up one morning with my living room blinds shut, which I don't do anymore. I thank Ghost Dawg for being kind like that, but please stop.

 The Bridge is a happy place. Go there. :) 

Monday, May 12, 2014

I lived at the doctor's office last week.......

 I can honestly say I didn't go a day last week without visiting the doctor's office. I don't ever want a week like that again. You don't believe me, you say? Here's the schedule:

 Monday: Two appointments! One of them I never have to see again. Yaaaay!

 Tuesday: Endocrinologist appointment! I have a thyroid goiter, which the doctor needed to biopsy. By biopsy, I mean stick a needle in my neck six times to biopsy nodules. (Each nodule requires two needle pokes.) No, it was not fun at all. It was so terrible last time that I asked the doctor to prescribe me something to lessen my anxiety. She prescribed a very low dose of Xanax and a friend drove me. Even though it was a low dose, it still gave me a headache as it wore off. Never again!

 Wednesday: My anxiety class! It's an hour long class once a week in the evenings. It's actually very interesting and teaches strategies to curb your anxiety. That goes for a few more weeks.

 Thursday: Core needle breast biopsy! My mammogram came back abnormal which lead to an ultrasound a few weeks ago. The radiologist who read the ultrasound said he wanted to biopsy two areas. I told the doctor to numb me good, which he did. It went well and I felt nothing. I have a bruise on me though and can see where the doctor went in. :( Bruises go away though.

 Friday: Counseling!

 Needless to say, this week was nuts and I don't ever want to repeat this schedule again. I did get it all out of the way though....



Sunday, May 11, 2014

Major birthday coming up!

 Last week was the six-month mark until yours truly turns 40. GASP!!!

 I've got to admit that 30 was a bad birthday for me. I was so depressed for that one and gained a TON of weight. I had this vision that I'd be married by then, have my life mapped out and maybe, just maybe, be pregnant with my first child.

 They say that God laughs when you make plans. He must have been howling here.....

 It's good to plan. Looking back though, I can see how depression came into play. I can also see that I'm ready to handle certain things that I couldn't handle before. I truly think God was testing me through different circumstances to get me to this point. I honestly feel that way.

 With that being said, I have some goals that I'd like to hit by age 40 in late October:

 1. Be exercising consistently and lose 50 pounds.

 2. Be dating consistently.

 3. Make it a point to socialize more to enjoy life and make more friends.

 4. Be freelancing consistently.

 5. Save up enough money to take a small weekend trip for my birthday.

I think those are decent goals to shoot for this year, which will hopefully make 40 a little less depressing. :) 

Saturday, May 10, 2014

To do....

 One of the positive things that has come from being treated for depression is that I'm actually making to-do lists now.





 I don't know why my brain is allowing me to organize my thoughts now to write down what I need to get done. I don't know whether it's the right medication or simple insight. I've been pretty consistent about these daily to-do lists for two months now. Granted, I don't get everything done always, but it's nice to see what exactly I do need to get done (somewhat) daily.

 I'm glad to be making progress-at least with organizing my thoughts. There's a lot more work that needs to be done, but this is a nice step forward. 

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Friendship, friendship...

 One of the things about social anxiety is that it's a double edged sword. It isolates as well as helps strengthen your depression.

 My therapist asked me when I began treatment how I could manage my depression socially-i.e., go out with friends, etc. Yes, I have friends. Do I want to go out with them? Lol

 Don't get me wrong. I have friends. I have my comfortable friends-my long time friends. I guess I find it harder to socialize now due to my anxiety. My sister made a very good point and thinks it's due to some ingrained thoughts that I need to rid from my mind. (I think she's absolutely right.)

 I think I use my weight as an excuse to sit at home and not conquer my anxiety. I've recently figured out that I eat more when I'm anxious-and alone. How happy is that? I also have another issue with my face that's a little TMI that also lends itself to isolation if I don't keep up with it.

 So, to make a long story short, I'm the queen of excuses to not move forward. Granted, anxiety and depression isn't an easy thing to conquer, but my deterrents that isolate me can be conquered. I can get out. I can make friends.

 I'm so grateful for my close friends right now. I'm grateful for your acceptance, your kindness and your love. 

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Creating....


 I had some extra money a few days ago, so I went shopping for some crafting supplies. I justified the paper shopping trip at a scrapbooking store I like because I'm going to be in a boutique Saturday and need some supplies to get my albums done.

 It felt so nice to be in there again. I don't shop there anymore. :( It was relaxing to look at all the pretty paper and pick out what I needed within my cash on hand. Aaaaaah.....

 And so, I will create tomorrow to sell my handmade albums Saturday. Hopefully I can make enough to go back more frequently again. It's too fun not to! :)