One of my dad's cousins called me this evening, and when she hung up, I called my parents house because Dad really needs to speak with her. She has Stage 4 breast cancer which has spread to her lungs. It's just not good.
It was then that my mom told me about the cardiologist's appointment. My dad was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure about a year ago, so the appointment itself wasn't a shock. He goes every couple of months. Judging by medical tests, things that the doctor has told my parents and my own internet research, I've come to realize that he's winding down. I knew it, but I didn't want to accept it because I have honestly seen improvement. That is, until today.
Dad recently had a stress test done. Oh, did my 76-year-old father tell me all about that one... And the results, I guess, were not good. Further testing will have to be done to see if a stent can be put in, the doctor said today. It's not the stent that is saddening me, because a former boss of mine has several. It's other things.
I'm just sad that life is progressing for Dad, along with this illness. I'll admit that I'm also selfish and sad for me. I'm sad that my father hasn't walked me down the aisle yet or seen grandchildren. He has done well for himself and done a lot in life, but I just wish he could see that. I know he'd love grandchildren. And I honestly don't know if he will see them in his lifetime.
I always got along better with my dad than my mom. I spent a lot of time with him growing up and have a lot of good memories because of that. Dad is kind, loving and accepting. I learned how important family is because of his example. He emulates Christ-like behavior. He's just a really good man who is honestly loved by all.
And I'm sad that he can't live forever.
I'm not scared of where Dad will go in the after life. Dad is saved and has a personal relationship with Jesus. I know I'll see him again one day whenever his time comes to leave this earth.
I just feel like I haven't done enough to make him proud of me. Only now are things truly getting better for me career wise. I haven't found someone like my dad to marry. I have no children. I have always said to myself that when I have a boy that his middle name will be after my dad. Yeah, I'm selfish. And I love my dad.
Aging parents truly are depressing. My parents were 39 and 36 when I was born, so that means I'm experiencing this fun stuff sooner than others. Oh joy..... I know it's just one of those facts of life that you need to muddle through. There's no way around it. It just blows. It truly blows.
And so, if you wouldn't mind, please pray for my dad and a shout out for me also to get through this. I have a sister, but she is just out of it, to put it nicely. I'm the one who gets to see this. I know I have support during this time, and I'll be reaching for it. Believe me. I just don't like it is all.
I really don't.